I am having a rough work day, lots of difficult conversations and criticism of the pages I have turned in. And in the middle of this, Michael sends me an email. He wants me waiting naked in bed for him when he gets home from work, to have ropes and riding crop ready so he can beat me. I first feel dismay to read this, I could really use nice safe loving Daddy tonight, not pain and bondage Daddy. I want to tell him, no I can’t do that, not tonight.
But once I remember I have agreed to submit, I have surrendered my choice, my emotional turmoil falls away. Suddenly, I feel rescued from the dictates of my emotional whims. The Tantric teacher Charles Muir said something about Tantra that I think could apply equally to sexual submission. He said that Tantric people don’t wait to be in the mood for sex; he said because sex is their spiritual practice, they do it regularly whether in the mood or not. “They don’t wait ‘til they feel like it, they change how they feel through the practice of love.” When you don’t feel like it, he said, is the time when you MOST need to do it.
Still, it is challenging to wait in bed with my clothes off. It makes me uncomfortable, but oh my God, it puts me very much in the frame of mind of looking at Michael as my Daddy, who gave me this hard thing I have to do before he gets home. It makes me feel like I did when I was a kid and had to get chores done before my parent came home, or I’d be in trouble. I am squirming like crazy under the covers when he finally comes in. But oh the joy to see him, and to feel him close. The love just flows between us, it is so palpable, so warm.
Within minutes, he is tying me face down on the bed, first binding my wrists together, something he’s never done yet. I feel a surge of fear, and the words “Wait, wait, I’m not ready,” tumble out. But he just smiles at me, and tells me to trust him, and so I do. I let go of my resistance, and the threatening panic subsides. He licks my pussy halfway through, but doesn’t let me come, (mean Daddy). By the time he finishes tying me up my mind has gone nice and quiet. Oh it is so easy to submit now, easy to allow, feel, experience.
I lift my head to see him digging in a drawer, and he comes out with a clear lavender plastic butt plug I haven’t seen before. I laugh nervously. “Where did you get that?”
He just smiles again as he slathers lube all over it. Then crouches behind me. “Now just relax.”
What choice do I have? I cannot move. I lay my head back down and close my eyes and then I feel it, it’s a little cold, forcing it’s way up into my ass, then nestling into place. It hurts a little, but intensely erotic, stretching me open. Then comes a hard smack, and my ass tightens around the plug. Ohhhhhhhh. Another smack. Goooood.
The feeling of being owned and used as he spanked me with that in my ass, me helpless tied up, unable to move, no mind at all… sweet emptiness of thought meets huge hot fullness of sensation. Ecstasy is a word ringing in my mind, but it is not that, it is something of a different shade than that.
When he’s done spanking me, he fucks me from behind, that plug still in my ass. I can barely make out the edges of my orgasms any more, I feel more like I stay in a “state of orgasm,” always on the crest of a wave that doesn’t break just builds and rises and curls through me, his fingers his mouth and oh my god his tongue in my ear shoot energy through me in rushes, I feel my body moving in shudders of pleasure and joy and love and love and love. The deep submission of it takes my “self” away, it is freedom from self, this amazing nothing/everything, this kind of purity of experience. I want to say ‘I love you,’ but it is hard to even think the word “I,” because I cannot connect subject to object, or make a sentence that makes sense out of it. I’m not a subject, I am all object, and there is love and there is intensity. I am completely swallowed in the moment, and if that’s not the essence of a spiritual experience, then I don’t know what is.
I feel wonderful after, perfect and pacified, as he unties me. But he is not done, he leads me docile into the living room, ties me in a breast harness and puts clamps on my nipples. I cannot perceive the pain, it just feels like spiky heat radiating through me. He takes me to the couch and puts me over his lap to stir his fingers in my pussy some more, and the clamps on my nipples catch on the seam of his pants and tug, giving me more electric jolts of heat until fire takes over my body and I am shaking with energy and pleasure so deep, and making sounds and sighing “yes” and begging “please” at the same time. I am receiving all this love he is pouring into me, and becoming love and the whole time he is speaking, chanting, “Daddy’s sweet girl, you’re my sweet girl, so beautiful… I need this, I need you naked on my lap…”
Later, when he has sated himself with me, I go into the bathroom, and catch sight of myself in the mirror. First, I see how swollen my lips are from his hard kisses, see how flushed red my skin, as if I have been sunburned by the heat of passion. Then I try to take in my whole face, and I feel almost disoriented to see a woman standing there. I look sort of familiar to myself, but not entirely, so completely had I lost any feeling of self at all.
This is how submission is changing me, making it so that ‘making love’ is no longer something I myself am “doing.” I am no longer thinking about how I am doing it, it has become something that is “happening.” I switch from thinking to just feeling, I am open and allowing and all this love is happening inside me. I am not doing anything, love is happening, pleasure is happening, I am just flowing with the experience, and experiencing it more fully somehow, being moved by it more deeply.
David Deida talks about “Embracing the Taboo,” and aggressively “Loving Her to Smithereens.” He says our love is too polite and respectful, it does not carry us away anymore, and I would not have thought that was true, I would have said my sex the past ten years was amazingly passionate and loving. But then, I had no idea what it was like to be truly carried away, to be loved to smithereens through rough powerful sex.