I have a new hobby: Contemplating all the ways in which sexual submission is similar to actual spiritual practices, and how it is “saving” me.
The first is obvious, and that’s the experience of surrender in the most literal way. Eastern religions have long taught that when one is truly surrendered, relinquishing all power and control, allowing what happens without resistance, the ego momentarily dissolves and the soul is liberated. The most interesting thing to me is that I feel most liberated when he makes a sexual demand when I am least interested in it.
I’ll be in the middle of doing something when Michael walks up to me and says, “I need my cock sucked now, babygirl.” And I’ll feel a flash of annoyance, and think ‘oh, not now.’ But then I open my mouth and take him in anyway. Or at night in bed, I’ll be half falling asleep and he’ll out of nowhere say, “Open your legs, Daddy needs to touch you.” And even though I’m not ready for it, I let my legs fall open and lie still as he slips his fingers inside me. I allow allow and let go.
That’s when I discover the pure spiritual submission in it. Especially if gets a little uncomfortable or there is a stray bit of pain. I surrender and my mind just abandons itself, and a feeling of freedom overtakes me, freedom from my own will, and I open into the beautiful non-resistance of the moment. That freedom in my mind translates to freedom in my body… It’s the only time I lose self-consciousness, when he is giving me commands, I just do it, and accept what is happening, and it becomes this spontaneous flowing thing, me following his whims, being here now, being present.
Then there is the meditative quality that comes with being spanked and stimulated, in focusing on the pain and intense sensation as it arises in the moment. There is a book I love, called Radical Ecstasy on how BDSM is very much like meditation and can lead to enlightened states.
I also find spiritual reward in accepting the love of a man who, in such intense moments, represents god the father to me. With his attention and approval, he frees me from guilt and shame about experiencing deep sexual pleasure. When I open my legs for him, he doesn’t tell me I am wicked or bad; rather he tells me I am a “good girl.” Morality feels like it is resting on its right foundation.
Actually, my whole self finally feels like it is resting on a more solid foundation. When I submit, I no longer exist in that uncomfortable place in the large everything of my own mind, where it is all about ‘me, me, me’ and what I want and what I think. But neither am I flung away into the fickle disregard of the rest of the world. It is now all switched around: I am nothing to myself, but everything to him. It is relief. And what relief it must be for him, unconditional acceptance, love without games, no manipulation required to fuck me, no self-doubt. He wants, he takes, he gets, no resistance. And he then becomes everything to me.
Putting Me In My Place
I think a lot about how often I have come across the writing of other submissives, and they talk about being “put in their rightful place.” They are usually talking about it in the context of kneeling, or otherwise making themselves subservient to their dominant, as if their rightful place is below him, or less than him. But to me, the dominant is the symbolic representation of life itself. When I turn over my body to my husband, make myself his sexual object, I come to know that we are all sexual objects, all creations of nature and its sexual impulses. I am put in my place because I am experiencing in the most visceral way that my sense of myself as an individual being separate from nature is an illusion. We are not in control of what our bodies feel and want, and any sense of our existence as a product of own will is also an illusion.
“We do not breathe so much as we are breathed by the universe,” said Alan Watts, the famous teacher who first introduced me to Eastern spiritual thought. I remember how struck I was by that idea, that life breathes us, it is involuntary. We come into the world involuntarily, our hearts beat involuntarily, our breath fills us involuntarily, our sexual organs engorge with blood involuntarily. None of us are creations of our own will. And sexual submission allows me to embody that, understand live that.
Nature literally creates itself through sexual union, the joining of male and female. In surrendering sexually to my husband, I feel I am surrendering to life, to the force that created me and instilled these longings in me, and is now using me for its own purpose. I am learning my place, so to speak. I was put here by life to experience my body, to mate, to procreate. D/s is teaching me that to open myself to Michael’s lust, and to my own, is to open myself to the force of nature, to open myself to life itself.
Once again, I go back to the words of Taoist sex teacher, Mantak Chia. “Sexual energy is the commander in chief of all the cells of the body. All cells in body and brain respond to the energy of sex, the commands of sex. It is our original pattern.”