More on the Spirituality of Dominance and Submission

I have a new hobby:  Contemplating all the ways in which sexual submission is similar to actual spiritual practices, and how it is “saving” me.

The first is obvious, and that’s the experience of surrender in the most literal way.  Eastern religions have long taught that when one is truly surrendered, relinquishing all power and control, allowing what happens without resistance, the ego momentarily dissolves and the soul is liberated.  The most interesting thing to me is that I feel most liberated when he makes a sexual demand when I am least interested in it.

I’ll be in the middle of doing something when Michael walks up to me and says, “I need my cock sucked now, babygirl.”  And I’ll feel a flash of annoyance, and think ‘oh, not now.’  But then I open my mouth and take him in anyway.  Or at night in bed, I’ll be half falling asleep and he’ll out of nowhere say, “Open your legs, Daddy needs to touch you.”  And even though I’m not ready for it, I let my legs fall open and lie still as he slips his fingers inside me.  I allow allow and let go.

That’s when I discover the pure spiritual submission in it.  Especially if gets a little uncomfortable or there is a stray bit of pain.  I surrender and my mind just abandons itself, and a feeling of freedom overtakes me, freedom from my own will, and I open into the beautiful non-resistance of the moment.  That freedom in my mind translates to freedom in my body…  It’s the only time I lose self-consciousness, when he is giving me commands, I just do it, and accept what is happening, and it becomes this spontaneous flowing thing, me following his whims, being here now, being present.

Then there is the meditative quality that comes with being spanked and stimulated, in focusing on the pain and intense sensation as it arises in the moment.  There is a book I love, called Radical Ecstasy on how BDSM is very much like meditation and can lead to enlightened states.

I also find spiritual reward in accepting the love of a man who, in such intense moments, represents god the father to me.  With his attention and approval, he frees me from guilt and shame about experiencing deep sexual pleasure.  Blog28Quote1When I open my legs for him, he doesn’t tell me I am wicked or bad; rather he tells me I am a “good girl.”  Morality feels like it is resting on its right foundation.

Actually, my whole self finally feels like it is resting on a more solid foundation.  When I submit, I no longer exist in that uncomfortable place in the large everything of my own mind, where it is all about ‘me, me, me’ and what I want and what I think.  But neither am I flung away into the fickle disregard of the rest of the world.  It is now all switched around:  I am nothing to myself, but everything to him.  It is relief.  And what relief it must be for him, unconditional acceptance, love without games, no manipulation required to fuck me, no self-doubt.  He wants, he takes, he gets, no resistance.  And he then becomes everything to me.

Putting Me In My Place

I think a lot about how often I have come across the writing of other submissives, and they talk about being “put in their rightful place.”  They are usually talking about it in the context of kneeling, or otherwise making themselves subservient to their dominant, as if their rightful place is below him, or less than him.  But to me, the dominant is the symbolic representation of life itself.  When I turn over my body to my husband, make myself his sexual object, I come to know that we are all sexual objects, all creations of nature and its sexual impulses.  I am put in my place because I am experiencing in the most visceral way that my sense of myself as an individual being separate from nature is an illusion.  We are not in control of what our bodies feel and want, and any sense of our existence as a product of own will is also an illusion.

“We do not breathe so much as we are breathed by the universe,” said Alan Watts, the famous teacher who first introduced me to Eastern spiritual thought.  I remember how struck I was by that idea, that life breathes us, it is involuntary.  Blog28Quote2We come into the world involuntarily, our hearts beat involuntarily, our breath fills us involuntarily, our sexual organs engorge with blood involuntarily.  None of us are creations of our own will.  And sexual submission allows me to embody that, understand live that.

Nature literally creates itself through sexual union, the joining of male and female.  In surrendering sexually to my husband, I feel I am surrendering to life, to the force that created me and instilled these longings in me, and is now using me for its own purpose.  I am learning my place, so to speak.  I was put here by life to experience my body, to mate, to procreate.  D/s is teaching me that to open myself to Michael’s lust, and to my own, is to open myself to the force of nature, to open myself to life itself.

Once again, I go back to the words of Taoist sex teacher, Mantak Chia.  “Sexual energy is the commander in chief of all the cells of the body.  All cells in body and brain respond to the energy of sex, the commands of sex.  It is our original pattern.”

Who’s Afraid of Tantric Sex?

Before my sweet husband and I discovered the joys of Dominance and Submission, we took a quick detour through Tantric sex.  Although perhaps detour is not the right word; Tantric experimentation might have been the actual road to D/s for us.

You see, it was love at first touch for Michael and me.  We met later in life, veterans of unsatisfying and often punishing relationships, our kids grown, not expecting much.  Yet, we found everything in each other, and with a feeling of great giddy celebration at discovering each other, we got naked and jumped into bed, very, very frequently.

Having just turned 50, I felt sexually seasoned and self-aware.  I was pretty sure there was nothing I had not tried, from threesomes and foursomes all the way to BDSM exploits (as the leather dominatrix outfit sitting in a wrinkled paper bag in the back of my closet could attest). I knew exactly what I liked and didn’t like, and would have rolled my eyes at the idea that I could be surprised in the bedroom.

Yet surprise me my new, supposedly less experienced lover did.  Or perhaps it is more accurate to say, we surprised each other.  My openness and “I want to try everything with you” attitude was unlike anything he’d experienced with the conservative, no-that’s-gross women of his past. And his lack of judgment toward me and my sexually varied history was unlike anything I’d known from the jealousy-based, how-could-you-have-done-that men in my past.  With such a sense of freedom and safety with each other, we felt spiritual stirrings in our lovemaking.  And we’d lie in each other’s arms in the afterglow, talking about wanting to hone that feeling, make it more explicit.

I had been introduced to the idea of Tantric sex in the past, but never really practiced it in a determined way.  But six months into my sex-soaked relationship with Michael, I became determined and bought a bunch of Tantric DVDs.  We watched a few of those, and gave some of the exercises a try.  Staring into each other’s eyes, and synchronizing our breathing was… sweet.  Yes, some of it felt slightly silly but it was also romantic. Why not go a little further?  I did a Google search for workshops.   I found an evening seminar called “Sacred Sexuality:  An Introduction to Tantra.”

“Want to try this with me?” I asked Michael.  I showed him the class advertisement on my laptop screen.   In answer, he grabbed my hand and put it on his growing erection.  My enthusiastic lover was game for anything.  I paid the $170 to register us for the class.

Bright Rainbow Blessings

When the teacher sent us a welcoming email that offered us “Bright Rainbow Blessings,” we laughed, entertained.  When the day arrived, we drove hours through Northern California traffic to get there, and an old hippie directed us down a long drive that snaked through thick foliage to park our car.  About thirty people were enrolled, most of them around our age. Almost as if not to disappoint the New Age stereotype, a large carpeted room waited for us, empty except for floor cushions, and Zen-like with the smell of incense.  A cat roamed in and out.  I was giggly and excited and nervous as we all sat in a circle on the floor.

The teacher, probably somewhere in her 60s, began by showing us how she could bring herself to orgasm with her mind.  She sat cross-legged on the floor, then said, “Here we go.”  She made puffing, trilling noises, rocking back and forth with her eyes closed, then claimed success.  The rest of the class, centered on loudly “raising” our sexual energy with the same forceful breathing and pelvic rocking, felt… decidedly unsexy to me.  And the breathless fake orgasm sounds struck me as absurd.  I could not take it seriously, and spent a good portion of the class hiding in the hallway, feeling vaguely threatened by the overzealousness of it all.

“Spiritual Sex”

Next, we attended a “spiritual sex” lecture based on the teachings of a writer I never heard of, named David Deida.  A lecture better suited me, the role of student, sitting in a chair, listening, detached.  But when the class leaders talked about the energy of sexual polarity, how the feminine “surrenders” to the masculine, how “equal 50/50” relationships lead to bland, uninspiring sex, I bristled.  First, Michael and I were having anything but bland sex.  Second, I considered myself a feminist, fiercely independent, and probably more on the dominant side than the submissive.  In fact, early in our relationship, I talked Michael into letting me tie him up and whack him with a paddle, a little BDSM game that had made a previous partner of mine melt in ecstasy and beg for more.  Michael thought it “kinda fun,” but never asked for a repeat.  I thought, too bad, he’s probably still a little too uptight to let go.  Not once did it occur to me that maybe he was not suited to be submissive.

Still, despite the politically incorrect description of raising sexual energy, I found the lecture interesting, and when I got home ordered several books by David Deida, which I put on my shelf without reading.  But I also found myself on the organizer’s mailing list and received an invitation to another Tantric class, this time on genital massage for a man.

“What do you think of trying this?” I asked Michael.  He grabbed my hand and placed it on his erection.

This class was held in someone’s living room, mostly empty of furniture, again filled with floor cushions, and taught by a warm, long-haired woman with a spacey air and girly laugh.  We were treated first to a live demonstration on a brave man willing to lie naked in front of us strangers while she “massaged” his penis.  The teacher spoke throughout, as would any anatomy teacher, and we all watched with studious looks.  At least there were no strange noises to send me scurrying into the hall.

After a break, it was time for the men to strip, and most of the women took off their tops off in solidarity.  I did not.  I stayed fully clothed, back against a wall, trying to pretend I did not notice all the other naked men around me.  I was impressed at Michael’s lack of self-consciousness as I covered his cock in coconut oil, then followed the instructions.  For the next half hour I practiced moves like “The Corkscrew,” and “Around The Clock” on his very, very hard cock.  His favorite was when I placed my fist under his balls and vibrated it. His eyes grew wide in surprise, he began to moan and writhe.  I knew he was on the verge of orgasm, but he kept control.  Afterward, we laughed all the way home, and had ourselves a good, hot time in bed.

We went back a month later to do the genital massage “for her” class, throughout which I secretly sipped vodka from a water bottle to help me get up the courage to strip down in front of strangers.  I can’t say I enjoyed being sprawled naked on the floor, my head only inches away from several other women, while we were being fingered by our lovers, the instructor calling “Good!  That’s it!  Let’s hear your pleasure!”  I felt more like the detached star of a porn film than anything.  (Although I admit that in the weeks that followed, the technique he learned, patiently stirring my pussy open with two fingers, would introduce me to unexpected bliss and transform my entire experience sex, but that’s another story.)

Entertaining, if a Little Strange

Overall, our Tantric explorations were highly entertaining, if a little strange.  Yet, after several months of the classes and watching DVDs and trying different exercises, the promise of transcendent sex remained unfulfilled for me.  (Well, except for that pussy-stirring revelation.)  Mostly, I felt like I was missing something which all the other Tantric explorers we met, with their easy nakedness and beatific smiles, seemed to get.  Slow, voluptuous Tantric union, while lovely to me in theory, just didn’t do much for me in actual practice.  The exercises felt forced, even a little boring.  And I was more disappointed in our explorations than I let on.

So that’s it, I thought, we’d gone as far as we could go into sexual experimentation.  Today I laugh when I remember that.  We think that by mid-life, we really know ourselves, know exactly what makes us tick.  Actually, we don’t just think we know, we are certain of it.  Even with dozens of sexual relationships and experiences behind me – including a BDSM relationship in which I acted as the top (acting being the operative word) – I had very little inkling of what might truly open the door to ecstasy for me.  Even after our little spanking role play, I still had no clue.  At least my conscious mind had no clue.  My subconscious sexual awareness, however, had just been smacked awake.