We had been married five days the first time my husband spanked me. I don’t know what it was about the marriage license that made me feel safe – or emboldened – enough to tell him about my longtime fantasy about being turned over a man’s knee and spanked. But in the open space of peace that followed our legal union, on our first Friday night together as a married couple, I sat with him on the couch in our den, a glass of whiskey cold in my hand and warm in my face, and said, “Maybe we should try role-playing.”
Michael, my husband, nodded seriously. “Maybe we should.”
Now this is a guy who, at the time I met him, I described to my sister as, “white bread and buttoned-up.” As in, he wore boxy, dry-cleaned shirts buttoned up tight to the neck, with a white undershirt underneath. As in, he parted his hair on the side and combed it down, like a kid from the Eisenhower era on Picture Day. This is a guy who worked in the same corporate job for 30 years and had stayed faithful to his first wife, (who, like an Eisenhower wife, did not work), for nearly as long, despite only being offered missionary position on the sexual menu. He called sex “making love,” never fucking; he called body parts by their proper clinical name, “penis” and “breasts.”
I think it would be fair to say that at his first scent of me, his buttons popped open. Our first time alone in a room, he loomed assertively over me on the couch with a smoldering gaze and said, “I have to have you.” Or something to that effect. Then he proceeded to expertly take me. I’d never been taken that in such a confident, masculine way before. The experience was so moving, I cried.
In our first year together, 53-year-old Michael was like a man set free from sexual prison, game for anything. Oh so game. Underneath those boxy shirts I found a hard, muscular body, a Greek god kind of body, smooth, muscled, perfect. His cock was big, continually hard, perfect. I literally never saw it soft until months into our relationship. (How old are you again? I’d laugh.) We were hugely in love, hot physical love, and did it constantly, everywhere, in every position, as if we’d discovered this amazing thing called sex ourselves. We quickly embraced toys, porn, naughty outfits, tie him up, tie me up – yes, we said, absolutely. Tantric massage class that required him to get naked in a roomful of other naked men – sure, he said, why not?
Before our wedding, I happily and hornily played out whatever erotic scenario I thought a formerly sexually-deprived man might want, and never once felt anything was lacking. But somehow, after our impulsive trip to Reno to tie the knot, I feel something new: a long-hidden want, pushing up in my mind, ready to reveal itself.
But first, I describe for him where I felt this want came from.
How a Spanking Fantasy Was Born
“Okay, so one day when I was about twelve,” I begin, “I found my mother’s stash of porn magazines in her bedroom, and I was looking through them, getting pretty aroused. Then my stepfather walked in and caught me.”
I let that sit for a beat. “Go on,” says my husband.
“Well, I remember having this flash of thought at the time, Oh no, he’s going to spank me. Even though I was too old, and he no longer spanked me anymore, the idea gave me a visceral jolt of heat. And when he didn’t spank me, just sent me out of the room, I felt… disappointed.”
“Interesting,” says my husband.
“So, I’ve had this fantasy ever since, about being spanked by my stepfather. And not just spanked. More than that. After he spanks me, he…” I can barely say it. But I do. “Then he, um, fondles me.”
I can’t believe I’ve confessed this. Not the fantasy aspect of it exactly, it is probably benign enough to admit to enjoying the idea of being spanked and manhandled. It is even trendy lately, with the movie version of 50 Shades of Grey about to come out the following weekend.
But to role-play a father figure molesting me, and physically act it out? Well that feels like a different thing – politically incorrect – insulting to actual victims of molestation. And by asking him to imagine himself as a father figure violating his stepdaughter, well that feels like pushing him to place himself in the “pervert” category. I know by now my new husband is not at all buttoned up like I first thought, but I also know he is a highly moral person as well.
But now I have opened that door, and I keep talking.
“So if we do this role-play thing, I could pretend to be a kid watching a porn movie, and you could pretend to be my stepfather who comes home and catches me. And you make me lay over your lap so you can pull my panties down and spank me… Then you feel bad, and so you try to make it all better by putting your fingers inside me.”
I wait for a response, excruciating heat (is it shame?) now burning down my neck.
My husband’s face is still serious as can be. “I could do that.”
“Really? You really want to do that?”
Now there is a hint of smile at the corner of his mouth, a kind of ironic smirk that I find incredibly sexy. “Yes baby,” he says. “I really want to do that.”
Now I talk faster, letting my entire fantasy, and all its details, spill out. “You feel bad because you realize I am just curious about sex. So you want to satisfy my curiosity and show me how it feels to be touched ‘down there.’ You’ll do that while I lay face down on your lap with my panties down around my knees, and I’m unable to move. And you are going to tell me I have to be still, that I can’t tell anyone, it’s going to be our secret.”
He considers this a moment. “Now you’re turning me on.”
This seems too good to be true, that my twisted little private fantasy might also appeal to him. “You’re not just saying that?”
He takes my hand, places it over the erection pushing against his jeans.
I jump up, energized, I am giggling, breathless. I gulp more whiskey, tell him I’m going to go change, can he please put a porn DVD in the player? Then I will come back into the living room, and he will give me a few minutes to watch the movie, then pretend to be “Daddy” coming home and catching me.
I go in the bedroom, change into a little, black dress that no 12-year-old girl would wear, but it’s the only dress I have. I am excited and embarrassed all at once, this is ridiculous, I know. But we are going to do something we have never done before.
I Finally Get Spanked
I go into the dim living room, sit on the couch, and wait, impatient. I am not even slightly interested in the bad porn playing on the DVD. I hear him come in. Michael gasps in mock outrage, “What are you doing!”
I have never seen him try be an actor before, and he looks so earnest and serious. I try to sound earnest, as well. “Oh no, I just turned on the TV and this was on, I swear!”
Then he stands there as if not sure what to do next, and how can I take all this seriously? I bust out laughing. I think he will laugh with me, but he doesn’t. “What? Did I say something wrong?”
I wave a hand. “Sorry, sorry, no, I can’t help it. I’ll get it. Go back and start again.”
He goes back out of the room, and this time, when he catches me watching porn, I give a more worthy performance. “I didn’t put it on, it came on by itself, I swear, Daddy!”
He tells me I’ve been bad, he is going to turn me over his knee. He sits on the couch, pats his lap. I try to fake being sad, but I am can barely keep the laughter at bay as I drape myself over his lap, ass in the air. He drags my skirt up, pulls my panties down, and I am hit with the feeling of true vulnerability beneath the silliness of it all.
Oh, this isn’t what I thought it would feel like. I’d expected it to be hot and exciting, not embarrassing. Then he spanks me while I fake cry, and well, that is kind of fun and different. I do like the slight sting and the warmth it leaves behind, and I wish he’d have done it harder. I feel both stimulated and disappointed, it doesn’t seem like he really has it in him to be a mean Daddy at all.
I lie there across his lap, waiting for the next part, the good part. Even if this isn’t as exciting as I’d imagined, I am still entertained by our efforts. He starts saying his lines – “You were just curious, weren’t you. How’d you like it if I showed you how it feels to get excited?”
Well, I didn’t expect/want him to ask me, but I say, “Yes, please, Daddy.”
He starts stroking my bare behind. Then again asks me, “If it’s all right with you, I’m going to pull your pants down now.”
Now I am irritated. He’s not supposed to ask permission. That spoils the fantasy of enjoying a forbidden touching. I have the urge to complain, but here he is doing his best to deliver my fantasy, so I bite my tongue.
He lubes up two fingers and I feel him probing between my legs, I feel them push into my hole. But it feels awkward, I am not really excited. It is like being probed by a doctor. He asks me if I like it, I don’t want to be asked, but I quickly say yes. I lay there while he finishes playing the part, trying to focus on the porn still playing on the TV, trying to muster up some excitement, but secretly waiting for it to be over. I am glad for the moment I can sit up and pull my panties back up. That wasn’t hot at all. I took that huge risk in revealing that secret fantasy for not a lot of reward. Well, that’s not true, there is the reward of revealing something intimate about myself to the man I love and being accepted for it. It is also a bonding thing to take a risk together, try something new. There is also the burst of gratitude I feel that he has tried to grant me my fantasy. What a generous man.
We have sex there on the couch, and it is sweet and I love him, and afterward we sit together to finish our drink, and we laugh at how hard it was to do that and not laugh.
“Although,” I say, “If there is ever a next time, I’d rather you spank me harder. And not ask permission to put your fingers in me. That sort of undermines the whole point. I’m supposed to be helpless to prevent it.”
He nods, ahhhhh. This is a revelatory thought for a man who prides himself on never being anything other than respectful of women. “Okay, I’ll know for next time.”
But I don’t really expect there will be a next time. The role-play was awkward, and lacking the excitement I’d expected. That often seems to the way of indulging a fantasy, it never measures up to reality. But isn’t that the whole point of fantasy? To keep our desires safe and pure from messy, uncooperative reality?
I did, however, have a glimpse of what it felt like to be over Michael’s knee. And I’d had some fun with it. It just was not what I’d call a “hot.”
What I did not know then is that the problem was not in indulging the fantasy, but in the role-play aspect. I didn’t want to just want to pretend to be under the control of my wicked too-loving Step-Daddy. I wanted to be truly, in reality, under his sexual control. Of course, this didn’t occur to me that evening. I would have been shocked at the very idea.
But now that the seed was planted, it was going to burst from the ground – very, very soon…