So last year my Daddy husband Michael and I started posting excerpts from a book we had been writing about our – at that point – two-year ecstatic journey into BDSM. I imagined eventually posting the whole book, which covered the first six months our experience. Oh those glorious first six months! But then … the #MeToo movement happened. It became more and more difficult for me to reconcile the cultural moment of women’s empowerment with my writing on the joys of sexual submission. And now we have the whole Brett Kavanaugh mess, a Supreme Court nominee who is accused of sexual assault, a dramatic reckoning which is unfolding as I write this…. The timing could not be worse for what I wanted to express.
Now – to all those who have wondered and asked– sexual submission has remained the basic dynamic of our relationship. We still know that is the most fulfilling way to conduct our sexual life. But this year we have also taken a little break from that, not because it doesn’t work for us (oh it works!), but because of the most mundane of reasons: health issues.
Ironically, one of my first inklings of my health problems was thanks to BDSM. Over the last year I had developed a fondness for being spanked outside in nature. I loved the extra layer of vulnerability, the excitement of the risk of being seen … But one day earlier this year, when my sweet Daddy sat down on a tree trunk in the nearby woods to turn me over this knee, the spanking did not feel good. It jarred me, and there was no pleasure in the pain. I rose up angry, saying, “Too hard!” He laughed and sort of brushed it off, saying he spanked me with the same force he always did. Which only made me even angrier. We can’t do this anymore, I said, if you’re not going to hear me.
I should have known that if I can’t take a good spanking, then something is wrong. And as it turns out, there was a reason why my pain tolerance had disappeared. And, after many long months of uncertainty and medical tests, I finally underwent brain surgery six weeks ago. Needless to say, we have not indulged in our preferred way of sexual loving for most of this year. But we miss it intensely. And we frequently talk of our hope of resuming that part of our relationship when all is healed …
But I have to say, that after all the years of building trust and communication through sexual dominance and submission, our relationship has been able to weather this stress amazingly well. My husband is still my sweet Daddy who takes care of me. And I still find him the most amazing man in all the world, worthy of worship. Our bond is strong. And maybe someday in the not distant future, I will go back to finishing that book, and posting our experience.
In the meantime, thank you to everyone who has written to us. We wish you well on your own journey.